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August 19th, 2009

On Vox: So. Much. Better!

Last night, I was catching up on some work that I hadn't finished during the day. Mrs. Chulo is sitting on the futon in the office doing some Facebookin' or whatever it is the under-35 demographic is in to these days. Suddenly, she's yelling at the dog to "knock it off!", in reference to his doing what many of us dog owners refer to as "boot scooting".

Typically, Rudy boot scooting means dingleberry. I'm sorry you had to read that, but there it is. Front Street. Anyway, when this happens, he needs to be - ahem - checked... before he's able to go take care of it on something like our nice white couch. The Mrs. sprung in to action and checked and he didn't have anything back there. Except...

Rudy had apparently eaten a long hair that had previously been on K's head. The hair was now half in and half out of Rudy's butthole, and this was agitating him. K gagged and dry heaved a little, so I knew this one was going to be on me.

Fortunately, I work on my own scooters and cars. This means that I always have a big box of latex gloves in the house. I snapped on a glove and had my lovely assistant restrain the patient on the couch. I lifted up his tail with one hand, and with the other (gloved), I grabbed the hair. It was tough going. For one thing, I was pulling something out of a dog's ass. For another, every time I pulled a little, Rudy shot through the ceiling. After a few tries, I realized I was going to have to grab it and yank it out in one motion. We said a prayer and prepared for the worst.

I grabbed the hair, counted to three in my head, and YANKED. It finally came out and Rudy was completely dead for a second.

When he snapped out of it, he tore ass around the apartment, running in and out of all the rooms at top speed with a big giant grin on his face. We could tell he felt so much better.

About half an hour later, K's bringing in her laundry and closing the door to the back lanai when she looks down and her jaw drops.

"You have got to fucking see this"

She's gesturing to Rudy's "lawn", which is four little squares of sod I bought at Home Depot. I get up and look out the door and see the most gigantic crap Rudy has ever produced. It is, in fact and without exaggeration, at least twice the size of the biggest I've ever seen come out of him. And I pay attention.

We were so proud, and Rudy was prancing around like he was a new man. Best I can figure, the hair was somehow blocking him up, and he hadn't dropped a deuce for a few days.

Nature is fucking weird.

Originally posted on pop.vox.com