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I own six speaker city locations.

I stole this idea from fisticuffs, who stole it from someone else, who I think invented it. Here's a complete list of all official employment I have had in my life:


~1986-1989 - Newspaper delivery and subscription fee collection agent, The Atlantic City Press, Marmora, NJ. I got up every morning at an obscene hour, folded 70 or so papers, and delivered them on my bike. In the snow. Employment terminated upon moving out of state.

~Summer, 1988 - Maintenence, Whipoorwill campground (RV Park), Marmora, NJ. In addition to delivering papers, I spent the summer working at this campground mowing lawns, picking up trash, cleaning bath houses, and doing whatever the hell else some 19 year old punk told me to do. It was a sweet gig, because when you're 14, minimum wage at 40 hours a week is a fuck of a lot of money. Put that on top of the paper route money and you're rollin' the bling. Except I don't remember rollin' much bling. I don't know what I did with the money. Anyway, I only worked there a few weeks. There was an incident that only I and a few other people know about. There were boobs involved, and that's all you need to know. This job provided me with the experience of having mowed the largest lawn known to man. It also gave me some valuable stunt golf cart driving experience.

~1989 - Various shitty positions - McDonald's, Winter Haven, FL. The McDonald's years, as I like to call them, are where my first deep-seeded loathings of the general public started to fester. You really don't understand how fucking annoying people can be until you're the scum of society and you're catering to the scum that's one rung up from you on the scum ladder. Also, there are a lot of kids in McDonald's, they all want happy meals, and they will alert you to that fact in a progressively louder voice every sixteen seconds until they are satisfied. Please, lady... either get the kid the happy meal or have him fucking killed. At this particular McD's, there was this dude named Jimmy who was super annoying because he was always trying to be funny. One time, I burned the shit out of my forearm, so I put some mustard on it and wrapped it in a towel. Ok.. shut up, because it's a good temporary relief and we were hella busy. Anyway, a few minutes later, Jimmy comes around and sees it and wraps his apron around his arm to mock me. I pull off the towel to show him that I'm really burned badly and he pukes right then and there. Yeah, Jimmy. You're my bitch now. There was also a guy who hooked up with my sister once. Employment terminated upon moving to Arizona.

1990 - 1992 - Same various shitty positions - McDonald's, 23rd Ave and Bethany Home Road, Phoenix, AZ. You can ask me why in the hell you'd work at a McDonald's for three years and I wouldn't have a really good answer, except that there aren't a lot of job options when you're under 18. I had a car from when I was 16, and I had to feed that monkey. I had my first scooter when I was 17, too. McDonald's let me work as many hours as I wanted, and I learned a lot about how sometimes, you just have to do your shitty job, because there ain't no other choice. Let me tell you something, people... fast food employees have a really hard job. I guarantee you that they work harder than you do and they're treated like super-heated bullshit by their employers. They also don't think it's funny when you can't decide what to get and you end up just cracking yourself up at the drive-thru speaker because you can't believe how loud you're talking or something. Be nice to these people. Order your shit, pay for it, and get the hell out. If they make a mistake, treat them with dignity and ask them nicely to fix it. Oh, and all those rumors about them spitting in your food? They're totally true. Employment terminated upon acceptance of next position.

1992 - 1995 - Emergency Road Service call receiver, tow truck dispatcher, and supervisor. Member service representative, Arizona Automobile Association (AAA) - Phoenix, AZ. This job was totally fun. I got to talk to the most irate and verbally abusive people on the planet, and then retaliate by "accidentally" forgetting to send someone out to them for 30 minutes to get their damn keys out of their damn car. Yeah... Take some time out there in the 118 degree heat to think about the way you just displaced your own frustration with what a moron you are on to me. You know what was weird about AAA, man? A lot of the reasonably attractive and cool call receiver and dispatcher girls did it with a lot of the gnarly old smelly grisly tow truck drivers. Explain that! You can't. For a while at this job, I worked from ten at night until six in the morning. That was super fun because it was just me and this guy Andre. One night, Andre and I smoked dope and watched six hours of Beavis and Butthead with all the commercials edited out. HOoooooweeee that'll make you dumb! Another night, we hung out on the roof for an hour and ignored all the phone calls. That party came to an abrupt end when Andre put a metal tin in the microwave and burned down the lunch room. Another time, Andre came and took a whiz in my trash can while I was talking to a lady who had just crashed her car. The best story of all, though, is the time I saved someone's life. She called because her car was in a wash during a monsoon. The water was rising quickly and she was in the car. She refused to call 911, because Arizona had just started a new policy where if they had to rescue you from driving through a wash, you had to pay for the rescue. So, I told her I'd send someone out, hung up, and called 911. The next day, there's a picture of her on the front page of the paper being rescued by helicopter from the top of her car, which is all that was sticking out of the water. True story. Employment almost terminated upon being discovered "exploring" the computer system, when really I was just preparing for the next position...

1995-1997 - Technical Support Engineer/Technical Support Supervisor - POS Systems (yeah... it was really called that), Phoenix, AZ. This job's not that interesting. I did tech support for credit card verification software. I will tell you that the fact that 90% of the people who used credit card verification software back then (as opposed to credit card terminals) were not at all computer literate was usually not as entertaining as you might think. There was one time, though, when I asked a guy to fax me the command set for his modem. He pulled the whole modem out, photocopied it, and faxed me that. Awesome. Employment terminated upon acceptance of the next position...

1997-2000 - Technical Support Engineer/Technical Support Supervisor/QA Engineer - NetPro Computing, Inc. - This job was a hell of a lot of fun too. One of my best friends worked there and helped hook me up with the job. The CEO had a really sort of "wacko progressive" view of how a work environment should be. Days were filled with practical jokes and bizarre made up games, and the occassional software development project. This place is where I got 99% of my valuable experience. One time, we took the bins out of the top drawers of five empty cubicles. We took them to Ed's house, and made two and a half gallons of Jell-o in each drawer and put them in his beer fridge to set. Then, we took them to the office at like 6 in the morning, and replaced each member of the accounting department's drawers with them. That was some good shit. Every Wednesday, there was a barbecue on the balcony outside our office, which we affectionately called Big Meat Wednesday.

2000-2001 - Software Test Engineer, Rivals.com, Seattle, WA. What can I say? I took the dot com bait and moved to Seattle on the company dime. We never made a single dime, yet we spent around a hundred and fifty million in venture capital. We had a killer office downtown, with really nice equipment. We built a kick ass publishing platform, but tried to fund the whole thing with banner ads. Seven months later, the doors closed, I got my severence, and settled in for a long job search. Four days later...

2001 - Present - ViAir, Inc/Visto Corp. You know all about this one already. Not a bad gig. It affords me the luxury of spending an hour writing about all of my previous jobs instead of actually working. Well... I'm out of here. Have a nice weekend!