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Soul lessons: part two

Here's some more important information about soul music for you.

1. All soul music fits in to one of three genres:
- "My significant other and I have parted ways, and I feel either really bad or really good about this change."
- "I'm courting a new significant other (who is better than my previous one)."
- "I'd like to tell you about a new dance my group and I have made up."

2. In the 60's, there were seven hundred and ninety soul record labels. They were all managed by the same four people.

3. The same seven musicians play on every single soul song every recorded, ever. Regardless of what a band is called or the names given for the musicians, they are all the Bar-Kays.

4. Suggested plot devices for soul songs: Your woman (see #1), dancing, great personal hardship. Less appropriate plot devices: antiquing trips, yacht maintenance, golf

5. Instruments to be used in recording soul songs: guitar, drums, funky-ass bass, Hammond B-3 organ, saxophone. Not appropriate: viola, steel drum, maracas.

6. Things to do while you listen to soul music: Dance, fix your car, take a bath, make sweet love. Activities which do nothing to enhance the experience of listening to soul music: Doing your taxes, getting a bikini wax, attending a Star Trek convention, having surgery of any kind.

7. Possible alternate careers for soul singers as speculated by me:
- James Brown - Bingo caller
- Aretha Franklin - Clerk, Department of Motor Vehicles
- Edwin Starr - Treadmill tester
- Rufus Thomas - Veterinarian

8. Vocations most likely to product soul singers: garbage collector, mechanic, machinist, unemployed dock worker. Unlikely to produce any soul singers: CFO, Supreme Court Justice, securities broker, Wal-Mart greeter

9. The average number of charted records per soul singer in the 60's was one. The average number of dollars earned by soul singers for each of those charted records was also one. The average current annual salary of those soul singers still alive is $3,000. The average ebay sale price of an original pressing of any of those soul records is $1.4 million.

10. Drugs that would kill soul music, if it was still being produced today*:
- Paxil - wipes out depression
- Viagra - Horny old guys got no time to record soul songs
- Celebrex - No joint pain = no accidental invention of funky dance moves
- Lithium - No bipolar disorders = no people who "don't make no sense" to sing about


*Don't try to tell me that the crap on the R&B station is soul music. It ain't.

Comments

( 11 comments — Leave a comment )
beatnikside
Oct. 25th, 2004 04:34 pm (UTC)
Brilliant entry. I'd totally marry you if you were a chick. Oh, and a redhead.
tabletop
Oct. 25th, 2004 04:41 pm (UTC)
pshaw, this is OBVIOUSLY coming from someone who has never had a bikini wax. soul music is a great way to think about all the good stuff that will come post waxing instead of the bad shit during the waxing.
seratonein
Oct. 25th, 2004 04:43 pm (UTC)
beautiful.

per your icon, i would like to point out that the band in #3 is really called Booker T & The MG's ;)
oldjersey
Oct. 25th, 2004 04:45 pm (UTC)
R&B?
you mean R&B does not stand for

Robbing & Bling? you better tell 50 cent
kz
Oct. 25th, 2004 06:08 pm (UTC)
I searched my limited collection for exceptions to your rules, and I found none. BLAST!
staxsoulkid
Oct. 26th, 2004 08:34 am (UTC)
Brilliant!! I am sooo linking to this. You rule.

FYI, it is my distinct impression, after much ethnographic research, that sociologists would make lousy soul artists as well.

vespaden
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:06 am (UTC)
Another mystery for the ages, is why "your garbage man" would just so happen to have a blouse in his truck? I mean, sure if he did have one in there, I can understand why he'd "want to put it on you", but I don't really know how realistic this is. Maybe there was just that one dirty, dirty garbage man that had a bunch of blouses in his truck, just so he could proposition all the fine lay-tays puttin out thay garbage as he roll on by...
molotrash
Oct. 26th, 2004 09:20 am (UTC)
We "know" eachother, but haven't really conversed at all. I am adding you as a friend based on this post alone.

Joking.

I thought it was high time I added you.

I have old pics of you at TT and Pavillions, if you want them.

There, that should break the ice.
vespa59
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:00 am (UTC)
Ha! I didn't know you were at that ride. Hottest day ever... let's go for a ride!

Adding you back... You going to Tucson?
molotrash
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:38 am (UTC)
I am going to try. Mrs. Astrojetta (my wife) has family there, so we often make it to the runs. Wait, wtf am I saying, we haven't been to the rallies in at least 4 years.

Do you remember The Sport Model? We (my old band) played at Congress one year, say, 98? Heh.
vespa59
Oct. 26th, 2004 11:43 am (UTC)
Ah... I didn't know you were in that band. I remember that year. '96 was the first year I went, and I've been every year since.

Hope to see you down there.
( 11 comments — Leave a comment )