September 19th, 2002


Round Two

Tomorrow, I go back to the eye doctor. You may remember a few weeks ago I got hacked up like a naked teen in an 80's slasher movie. Well... the nastiness isn't totally gone, so I'm going back for more tomorrow.

I figure at a minimum, I'm getting another needle in the eyelid. Fuck. Worst case scenario, I HOPE, is a repeat of last time, but with better results. Either way, I'm pretty sure this is gonna suck. Why am I cursed with this stupid thing? Man, if it wasn't for the fact that the rest of my face is devastatingly handsome, I'd be screwed.

Oh wait. Fuck.

The eyes have it.

Ok... so I lived through the eye doctor visit. I was pretty worried when I was in the little room and they decided to test my "eye pressure" again. I hate the eye pressure test because it involves drops that make my eyes numb, and then some sort of device that actually touches my eyeball. This makes me feel icky. I think if I had a choice between some random doctor's assistant touching my eyeball or just touching my balls, I'd go with balls. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.

Anyway... It got better. The doctor looked at the alien head and said that he doesn't think he needs to drain it again. "Draining" is the thing that happened last time, with the stabbing and the clamping and the scooping. So then I thought he was gonna grab a needle and give me a shot, but he gave me a choice. Either get a shot now, and then some drugs, or take the lots and lots of drugs for a month and if it doesn't clear up, get a shot. Fuck you, I'm taking the drugs.

So, to combat the alien head, here is the battery of services to be performed on my eye daily:
1. Warm compresses - two times a day
2. Drops - Three times a day. These drops involve having my eye closed for five minutes.
3. Scrubbing of the affected area with soapy water - two times a day. Ever get soap in your eye? Not pleasant.
4. Gooey ointment under my eyelid - once a day. This is kind of a mind fuck, because I have to get stuff on the inside of my eyelid. And it makes my vision blurry.
5. Pills - twice a day. These pills say, in all capital letters: "DO NOT LIE DOWN FOR 30 MINUTES AFTER TAKING THESE". What in the holy living fuck is that supposed to mean? If my body goes horizontal for 30 minutes after I take the pills, what will happen? What if I sit down? Part of me is horizontal, part is not. Can I not even lay down on my couch? What a strange freaking warning. I feel like there should be more info there. "This medicine can only travel vertically. It can not move through the horizontal plane. If you lie down, it will all bunch up in one place and choke you to death!". I'm gonna look this shit up on the internet tomorrow.

So... I gotta do all that for a month and hopefully at the end of it my eyelid will look like everyone else's. And if not, I get the shot. I HATE the shot.

In other eye related news, I seem to be seeing things that don't exist out of my peripheral vision tonight. For instance, I just saw a little person hanging out to the right of me. But he wasn't there. I have taken no drugs that I am aware of. Perhaps I should get some drugs and take them so they will cancel out the hallucinations I am having now. Finally... proof that I should be doing more drugs.

That reminds me of the guy in Airplane!: "Looks like I picked the wrong week to stop sniffing glue!"