October 24th, 2002

Slayer!!

Sniper

Every five minutes, Wolf Blitzer stops saying stupid shit, and the screen changes to all red, with the word SNIPER really big on it, and music goes 'DA. DA. DA. DADADA. DADADA. DA DA DA. DADADA. DADADA.' Currently, the crack team of investigative reporters is exploring the significance of the murders in Alabama and some of the murders in Virginia occurring in places with the same name (Montgomery). OH MY GOD. WHAT CAN IT ALL MEAN???

Something else that kind of cracks me up: I like how the reporters from various news agencies are going out of their way to make you aware that they had a particular story first. So far I've heard stuff like:

"More developments on this story about the removal of a tree stump, which KOMO-4 news broke first, later tonight"

and

"We'll be back with more on these exciting developments, which all you other muthafuckas can only dream that you came up with before us, but you know that's all bullshit because we are the mack daddy newsin'est muthafuckas around and ain't nobody breakin' the mad shit before us, after this quick commercial break."
Slayer!!

A List

Important things I learned from sweet soul music:

1. Most things are easy to do, especially if you've been doing them since you was two.
2. As disturbing as it sounds to let your backbone slip, it's not at all dangerous.
3. Many people don't make no sense.
4. If mama's sleeping, there's a good chance that papa ain't around and thus, you can get away with stuff.
5. Often times, a witness is needed.
6. "HAAAAUUUUGGHGHHHHHH!!!!" is a perfectly acceptable way to start a song, end a song, or fill in lyrics.
7. Most important events take place on the floor.
8. Places with more soul: Detroit; Harlem; New Orleans; Chicago; the inner city. Places with less soul: Dubuque, Iowa; Boise, Idaho; Cleveland, Ohio; Augusta, Maine; the financial district.
9. Names of guys with soul: Bobby, Joe, Otis, Eddie. Names of guys with no soul: Todd, Chad, Troy, Brett
10. The preferred animal of soul music is the monkey.
11. If you're not sure what to do with it, you should shake it.