January 7th, 2003



Today, I think I mastered the "Doomsday Algorithm". This formula lets you figure out the day of the week, in your head, of any date.

For instance, I was born on August 1, 1974. That was a Thursday. I figured that out in my head, muthafucka!

July 4, 1776 was also a Thursday. Wanna know how that's done? Ok... I'll tell you.

Doomsday for 1900 was a Wednesday. That's just a fact. So, that means that doomsday for 1800 was a Friday and for 1700 it was a Sunday. Now, the formula for figuring out Doomsday for a given year in the 1700's is to take the required year (76), divide by 12 (6, with a remainder of 2). Take that remainder and divide by four (0). Add those three numbers up (6 + 2 + 0 = 8), divide by seven, take the remainder (1) and add that many days to the day of the week Doomsday is on for the century year (Doomsday 1700 is Wednesday, add one, so Doomsday 1776 is a Thursday). Now, the Doomsday for July is the 11th, which means that July 11th, 1776 is a Thursday. Go back exactly 7 days to get to July 4th and that will also be on a Wednesday. IT'S THAT EASY!

Doomsday is neat!


My TiVo still seems to be hooked on game shows. And, I think it's starting to notice that it's making me angry, because it seems to be actually watching game shows on its own when I'm not paying attention.

For instance, I'll turn on the TV and the channel is on the god damned game show network. So I figure TiVo decided to record more game shows for me. But, I'll go look at the things it's recently recorded and there won't be any game shows there. To me, this means that TiVo is just watching game shows on its own and not even bothering to record them. Does it seem weird to anyone else that one of my household appliances is addicted to game shows??

Don't get me wrong. I have nothing against a good game show, like Jeopardy! or even Wheel of Fortune from back in the day where they got to go "shopping" instead of actually winning money. That's all great stuff. But I don't need to record those shows and I certainly don't need the things in my home watching them all day while I'm at work.

You know what really scares me? What if TiVo, along with all my other home appliances, start spending all their time watching game shows and they become super-intelligent? Pretty soon they're going to college, publishing papers, winning prizes and grants, curing cancer, etc... Then what the hell do they need me for? It's only a matter of time before they figure out how to get out of the apartment or simply kill me in my sleep.

"Pssssst! Hey! Toothbrush!"

"Yeah, Alarm Clock, what's up?"

"The Meat Sack is asleep. You should try to scrub through his jugular!"

"Dude. We already tried that. Didn't work. Maybe Electric Razor can shave through it."

"Nah, he's got the blade protector on. I know! Get Electric Drill to drill his eyes out!"

"No good, dude. Electric Drill's in the garage."

"Ahhhh fucker! What do we do then?"

"Guess we'll just go back to having Microwave expose him to radiation until he wakes up."