January 28th, 2003

Slayer!!

Letters from my body parts

Lots of books and advice columns tell you to "listen to your body" and that "it's trying to tell you something." Well, I guess it's true, because I've gotten the following letters in the last few weeks:

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Dear Steve,

Please get a girlfriend already.

Love,
The Penis
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Dear Steve,

Please disregard that last letter. It wasn't actually from me. It was The Appendix trying to be funny again. I told you you should have had him removed when you were younger. What a jackass.

That's not to say that I don't think you *should* have a girlfriend. If you deem it necessary, please feel free to do so at your discretion. As you know, The Right Hand and I have discussed at length, and are perfectly willing to maintain the current arrangement in the interim.

Regards,
The Penis
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Dear Steve,

I heard that you've been discussing relationships with the Penis again and just thought I'd chip in my two cents. Please try to find someone who's either a crazy party girl, or drives you insane. I'm terribly bored.

The Liver
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Steve,

Greetings. Long time no talk. I'm writing because I'd like to draw your attention to an important issue. It seems that your level of meaningful conversation with members of the opposite sex has dwindled in recent months. On the off chance that you do manage to strike up a conversation, I find myself severely censored and restrained, for fear of offending and/or scaring off the potential new friend. As you can imagine, this can be rather frustrating. Moving forward, please try to engage yourself in conversations with girls who are slightly more open to your bizarre, nerdy, and somewhat childish demeanor, so as to allow for a more candid conversation.

Additionally, I'd like to make you aware of the following:
1. Reality television is not at all stimulating.
2. Alcohol and other mind-altering substances have regularly breached security and made attempts on my life.
3. My secretary has lost most of the dialog from The Jerk. You will be unable to cite quotes and amusing scenes from this movie until you re-enter the data. Please coordinate with The Eyes and The Ears.
4. Please get more sleep.

Best Wishes,
The Brain

PS: I would like to express my deepest gratitude for the recent increase in the amount of fish consumed.
======================
Dear Steve,

Please get yo' ass to a dance night soon, my brutha. I gots me a whole lotta shakin' to do. Daaaaaamn!

Peace Out,
The Booty
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Dear Steve,

We have come to accept the fact that you need to attend more live concerts than the average person. We have even come to accept the fact that you continue to do so without earplugs. However, we respectfully ask that you try to position yourself further from the speakers than you currently are. We're really taking a beating.

Thanks for your consideration.
The Ears
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Dear Steve,

Thanks for the glasses. Sorry I keep fucking you up, but I'm still not used to them.

Love,
The Eyes
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Steve,

As usual, I have nothing to report.

The Pancreas
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Steve,

It has come to my attention that snowboarding season is beginning. I am very aware that this is a sport that you, for some mysterious reason, feel the need to partake of, despite your lack of skill. I strongly urge you to reconsider any involvement with this activity and I feel compelled to issue the very serious warning that should you decide to return to the mountains, I WILL go on strike again. Remember the stairs, Steve?

Sincerely,
The Left Knee
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Steve,

What he said.

The Right Knee
======================

Rest assured, my loyal body parts. Your concerns have not fallen on deaf ears. They will all be taken into advisement and pondered.

Except yours, Knees. I'm going boarding as soon as possible, so EAT IT.
Slayer!!

I'm going on tour.

Alright now. I'm thinking a major east coast tour is gonna be happening for me. I've realized that there are people I want to hang out with in the following cities: New York City, Boston, Philly, Richmond, and probably some other points I've forgotten.

So here's what I'm thinking: I'm gonna book me a flight to NYC so that I arrive a day or two before the Gotham rally and depart two weeks later. During that two weeks, I'm gonna just hang out wherever and whenever I can. I figure I can rent a car and go to Boston and Philly whenever it's convenient for people there, and I can figure out some easy way to get down to Richmond, I'm sure...

So my question to you east coast people is: Who's willing to put me up on their couch for a couple of days and who wants to get together and hang out? And most importantly, who's got an extra scooter I can use for Gotham?

I'm thinking there's also a good possibility I'll find a cheap flight from New York to somewhere in Europe that's on my list of places I wanna go, so I might do that for like a week in there somewhere, I think. Anyone out there wanna go somewhere in Europe with me?

You're probably wondering what brought all this on. Well, for one, I really wanna go to that rally. I've never been to an east coast rally. In fact, I've never been to a rally east of Arizona. Second, I sort of grew up out there. We lived there until I was about 14 and I haven't really spent any significant amount of time back there since then. Third, I need a really freaking long vacation without much of a schedule. Fourth, and possibly most significant, is that I've recently been contacted by my best friend from my grade school days and we've been catching up. I'd really like to spend some time hanging out with him. Fifth, sixth, seventh, and eighth: I'd really like to explore NYC as an adult, I'd really like to visit modernpoverty on her own turf, I really like the idea of going to Europe pretty much on a whim, I'd like to drive down to the little town I grew up in in southern Jersey and say hello to my old house on Tuckahoe road and the Wa-Wa where I first developed my shoplifting skills as a lad.

See you in the EST...
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