November 16th, 2005


They send us a toe, and we're supposed to shit ourselves with fear?

My phone started ringing rather unkindly at six this morning. I ignored it. It rang again at 7, and then at 7:05. A voicemail was left. It rang again at 8. All the calls were from a blocked number, of course.

The voicemail said the following:

"Hahaha well it's exactly 7:05 AM. Do you know where your stalker is? On a lighter note, I have a joke for you. Why did the monkey fall out of the tree? Because he died! Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree? Peer pressure! Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree? BECAUSE I FUCKING SHOT HIM WITH MY SQUIRT GUN AND HE DIED!"


I did my usual check outside before leaving for work. Blue chevy parked across the street with a dude in it, talking on a cell phone via headset, and looking through papers. It looked like way too many papers to be game documents, but I was suspicious of him nonetheless.

I crept down to the garage and let the dog out back. When he was done, I queitly pushed my motorcycle to the garage door (the killer surely knows I ride a scooter by now). I turned on the very conveniently located hose spigot and got the nozzle ready. Just to be sure, I exited the garage through the side door to have a look around. The dude in the Chevy was looking directly at my house! I went back in and decided I was heavily armed enough to face him. The MaxD was in my tank bag, and I had two little guys - one in each pocket, plus the hose. I aimed the hose at the garage door and opened it. Nobody was there waiting for me.

When the moto was warmed up and ready to go, I took off, shutting the garage door behind me. I took a left and went halfway down the block, and then turned around and came up the other way... just in case he was telling someone where to follow me.

A well-timed green light at 19th let me get out of the neighborhood quickly and once again, I live to see the first part of the work day.

I have to go to a lunch later for a new coworker and I'm a bit nervous. I'd hate to get nailed in a restaurant in front of all my peers.


No sign of my stalker. Had someone sitting in a car across the street this morning, but he didn't give me any trouble. No sign of anyone at lunch, and I got out of the office with no bad vibe. I rode my motorcycle today, so that might have helped to confuse them.

I decided to go help Agent CE with her target this evening. That girl is committed. She started staking out his place around 5:30 or so, hanging around the fortress that is his apartment building. In her hours of watch, she discovered a little hidden alley next to his building, and she was figuring he'd come from there.

I showed up around 7 and CE was waiting on the stoop next to the target's. The guy kept sending a girl out of his place to see if the coast was clear and they stayed holed up in the apartment. Finally, we decided it was time for action. Here's how it went down:

CE hid across the street near the hospital. I got in to position in front of the garage door next to the apartment's front door. From left to right, it was little alley, two feet of space, apartment building front door, four feet of space, garage door. The garage door was recessed about 15 inches or so. The plan was that I would wait for someone to leave the building and catch the door so I could let myself in. Then, I'd wait near the guy's hallway and flush him out (making him think I was on the team stalking him). As I waited, I heard the gate to the little alley open. I looked and saw the guy's head start to poke out, so I slipped up against the garage door and out of sight. I waited about 5 seconds and then peeked out again. He was looking right at me and he started to shoot. Knowing I was in no danger (this guy isn't my assassin or my target) I ran at him shooting. He retreated in to the alley, but I grabbed the door and rushed in after him. We began to have a shootout.

After a couple of shots, he stops shooting and starts yelling, "Hey, I got you! It's over! Come ON!!"

Meanwhile, I keep shooting at him going "No you didn't. You didn't get me. Nope. Missed me again."

At this point, he's waving the gun around (no longer shooting) and thinking I'm insane. As the argument escalates, CE bursts in to the doorway behind me, guns ablazin'. She soaks the guy as he realizes what's going on (I'm yelling, "DOESN'T MATTER, CAUSE SHE'S YOUR ASSASSIN!!") and he starts shooting back.

Now, there's a *slight* chance that they hit each other at the same time, but the more likely situation is that she nailed him before he really figured it out. Victory is CE's!

The dude immediately starts bitching, saying he got her first. He's yelling and whining and bitching and going, "Come on!! This is so weak!! I got you first!!" I look him right in the eye and I say, "Look. I know her and I know that there's no way she'd play this game any way but straight. She's not lying. She got you first."

He keeps whining and finally pulls out his ID card and flips it on the sidewalk with one last, "I still think it's weak!"

Bad sport.

Afterward, we grabbed some dinner, sent notice of the kill to the Supreme Commander, and then went to check out the home of my new target. The place impenetrable. It's a lot like my house, where you have a garage under the house and there's no way to the backyard or sides. I suspect there's no way I'm getting him at home.

If anyone has any creative suggestions for luring someone a block off their office, I'd love to hear them. My guy has no idea who I am. He works a few blocks from me.

Sleep will be sweet tonight.

Book to read

Note to self: Check out John Hodgman, "The Areas of My Expertise", based on the supreme hilarity of the Daily Show interview from tonight.