12:15 am - Go to bed. Drift off to sleep blissfully.
1:30 am - Awakened by blood curdling scream. Susie is having a night terror. Wake her up, calm her down. She goes back to sleep. My heart is now beating around 180 beats per minute and is protruding nine inches from my chest like a cartoon character. I get up, watch some TV, catch up on my Vox neighborhood, etc...
2:30 am - Go to bed in the guest room, as returning to the normal bed is likely to trigger another night terror.
3:30 am - The cat decides to come yell at the basement door until I'm sufficiently wide awake. I contemplate getting up to drown her, but she shuts up, so I attempt to go back to sleep.
3:45 am - Can't get back to sleep, because I'm wondering what's up with the cat. Still, my wondering is not enough to get me to do anything about it. I can't get up, because if the cat does want to come upstairs or something, and she hears that someone is awake, she will get REALLY persistent. Best to play dead.
4:00 am or so - Finally falling asleep again
4:15 am - Awakened by the feeling of something crawling on me. Realize it's a spider. Contemplate least confrontational way of removing it from my body. Recall Betsy's story about giant spider that decided to camp out in the back of her open mouth while she slept and decide the only way I'll ever sleep again is if the spider dies. Roll over on my back, attempting to squish it. It survives and runs off. I turn on the light, but I don't see it. I decide not to conduct a search, as this may arouse the interest of the cat. I wrap myself tightly in my sheet, including my head, leaving a hole for my nose and mouth so I can breathe and so the spider can return and camp in my throat.
4:30 am - Back to sleep. So tired.
5:00 am - Awakened by the cat seriously shouting and scratching at the door. She means business and I can tell there's no way she's going to shut up. I figure she's out of water or something, so I decide to check it out. I open the door and follow her downstairs where she shows me a big pile of cat puke. She got different food last night because Susie discovered that her new food - the exact brand and variety - is being recalled. This recall is unrelated to the big recall, but the food has the same effect, so she decided not to take chances. She'd bought a few cans of the cat version of the stuff we feed Rudy, but I guess it didn't sit well with Kitty, so she horked it all up and now she is yelling at me, presumably because she is hungry. I sit down on her couch (yes, the cat has her own couch) and pet her while contemplating my options - feed her some of the recalled stuff, which may or may not kill her, do nothing and hope that she doesn't torture me too much for the few precious remaining hours of sleep, or throw her out in the yard and let her hunt for mice and stuff and hope she doesn't wait an hour and then start yelling at the back door. I opt to do nothing and return to bed. Amazingly, she's quiet, but I can't sleep because I'm wondering if the cat is now poisoned.
5:30 - Get up, catch up on LiveJournal, read the news a little bit.
6:30 - Back to bed
8:45 - Wake up again, transfer back to original bed. Tell Susie about the cat. Fall back asleep for another 30 minutes or so.
I need a fucking nap.
Originally posted on pop.vox.com