Right you are, Ken (vespa59) wrote,
Right you are, Ken

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Eye surgery is my least favorite kind of surgery.

I get these crazy weird styes, or infections, or some shit in my eyelids every once in a while. My dad used to get them a lot too. Anyway... for the last couple of years, they haven't ever totally gone away. They were always kind of there... just sort of dormant and not totally gross.

About a year ago, the bottom one flares up and looks kind of nasty, so I go to the doctor. He sticks a needle in my eyelid with some sort of steroid. A month later, it's almost totally gone. Not completely, but almost. Sweet.

Cut to about a week ago. The top one starts looking kinda funky. It had done this once about 6 months ago, but healed up in a day or two. Not this time. It's just looking nasty as can be. So I make an appointment, thinking the worst that'll happen to me is another shot or some crap I gotta put on it.

I see the doctor, who first decides to give me a full eye exam, which includes some sort of light that actually touches my eyeball. This creeps me out completely, but I go on.

So I tell the doctor the history of my funky eye and that I want to take care of it as much as possible. He says ok and we begin. The procedure is as follows:

Step One: Stab Steve (Part One) - A large needle (bigger than the one the dentist uses) is jabbed right into the stye in the upper eyelid. I'm warned that this will sting a bit because the stye is "angry". What I should have been told is "this will hurt like holy living fuck, which is why I'm standing as far away from you as possible". This seriously fucked me up bad. Then, he started shooting the liquid from the needle in, so I just felt this stuff rushing through my eyelid. That hurt like a bugger too. This stuff was intended to numb my eyelid, which I think it did nicely.

Step Two: Stab Steve (Part the Second) - A somewhat smaller, but still kinda scary, needle is stuck into the lower eyelid. This is pretty much the same procedure as the original one from last year so I'm thinking it won't be so bad. I thought wrong. Maybe the last doctor just had a gentle touch, cause this hurt almost as bad as step one.

Step Three: Turn Steve inside out - A small clamp, which looks kind of like a miniature eyelash curler/vice grips is clamped onto MY FUCKING EYELID. It is then SCREWED DOWN until it's squeezing the lid as hard as possible. It is then used to TURN MY EYELID INSIDE OUT and hold it there. I can't imagine how gross this looked, but it hurt so bad that I almost passed out. All I could do was whimper.

Step Four: Slice Steve - Two small incisions (an X formation) are made on the inside of my eyelid. It shouldn't hurt because of step one, but it kinda does, and I kinda don't like it. I feel something running down the side of my head. I dab it with my tissue thinking it's sweat or tears, but it's blood. Lots and lots of blood. "UNNNNGH!", I exclaim. The doctor says, "Oh yeah... eyelids bleed A LOT".

Step Five: Scoop Steve - An instrument which has been described to me as a "miniature ice cream scoop" is used to scrape all the pus and gunk and infectious goo out of the stye. This hurts worse than anything I've ever experienced. Oh my fucking holy shitness that hurt. I can't even describe to you how bad it hurts.

Let's try an experiment:

You know that little webbing between your fingers? Ok... take an exacto[tm] knife and cut that fucker open. Now, take a small screwdriver and just start digging it out. Get me?

After all was said and done, my eyelids are still pretty swollen, but I'm hoping that's just from the abuse. My eye was bleeding for about an hour and a half. You'd think that crying blood would be really cool, but it actually sucks ass. I still can't really see straight and my eye still kind of stings. It feels like there's a brick under my eyelid.

I have some cream that I have to apply to it for a week or so, and then another cream that I'm supposed to use on it every day until I die.

Sucks to be me.

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