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Steve's Guide to Vegetarian Living

Lesson One: Cooking dinner at home

First, plug in the George Foreman grill with optional bun warmer. Place one hamburger bun in the bun warmer. Open the box of Gardenburger brand grilled "chicken" patties. Take out one patty. Do not be alarmed by the appearance. Place the "chicken" patty on the grill and close the top. Stand around the kitchen for about 4 minutes, remembering the sweet, sweet taste of the last hunk of meat you had. Remove the bun from the bun warmer. Smear a copious amount of mayonnaise on it. Open the grill. Place one piece of cheese on the "chicken" patty. Try to convince yourself that not eating meat for a while is a good thing. Do this for about a minute. Pull the patty off and put it on the bun. Enjoy.

The Gardenburger "chicken" patty is not too bad. It actually tastes like chicken, but with a slight burnt wood flavor. This could have been because I haven't used my grill in a while, nor have I cleaned it recently. I also may have overcooked. Who the hell knows? What I want to know is, why in the hell does it sizzle? There's no animal fat in there, yet it sizzles. Weird. Anyway.. I liked the "chicken" patty. It had a very chicken-like texture to it (although a bit mushier) and it pretty much tasted like chicken. Hooray!

Now, for a guy who is used to chucking down about eight or nine pounds of bloody red beef for dinner, one small "chicken" sandwich really isn't going to cut it. So, I also cracked in to the box of Morningstar Farms vegetarian corndogs. These are damn good. They have the same texture and taste as regular corndogs. It's freaky. I've actually had one of these before, and they are one of the reasons I felt I would survive a month of vegetarianism.