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Letters from my body parts

Lots of books and advice columns tell you to "listen to your body" and that "it's trying to tell you something." Well, I guess it's true, because I've gotten the following letters in the last few weeks:

Dear Steve,

Please get a girlfriend already.

The Penis
Dear Steve,

Please disregard that last letter. It wasn't actually from me. It was The Appendix trying to be funny again. I told you you should have had him removed when you were younger. What a jackass.

That's not to say that I don't think you *should* have a girlfriend. If you deem it necessary, please feel free to do so at your discretion. As you know, The Right Hand and I have discussed at length, and are perfectly willing to maintain the current arrangement in the interim.

The Penis
Dear Steve,

I heard that you've been discussing relationships with the Penis again and just thought I'd chip in my two cents. Please try to find someone who's either a crazy party girl, or drives you insane. I'm terribly bored.

The Liver

Greetings. Long time no talk. I'm writing because I'd like to draw your attention to an important issue. It seems that your level of meaningful conversation with members of the opposite sex has dwindled in recent months. On the off chance that you do manage to strike up a conversation, I find myself severely censored and restrained, for fear of offending and/or scaring off the potential new friend. As you can imagine, this can be rather frustrating. Moving forward, please try to engage yourself in conversations with girls who are slightly more open to your bizarre, nerdy, and somewhat childish demeanor, so as to allow for a more candid conversation.

Additionally, I'd like to make you aware of the following:
1. Reality television is not at all stimulating.
2. Alcohol and other mind-altering substances have regularly breached security and made attempts on my life.
3. My secretary has lost most of the dialog from The Jerk. You will be unable to cite quotes and amusing scenes from this movie until you re-enter the data. Please coordinate with The Eyes and The Ears.
4. Please get more sleep.

Best Wishes,
The Brain

PS: I would like to express my deepest gratitude for the recent increase in the amount of fish consumed.
Dear Steve,

Please get yo' ass to a dance night soon, my brutha. I gots me a whole lotta shakin' to do. Daaaaaamn!

Peace Out,
The Booty
Dear Steve,

We have come to accept the fact that you need to attend more live concerts than the average person. We have even come to accept the fact that you continue to do so without earplugs. However, we respectfully ask that you try to position yourself further from the speakers than you currently are. We're really taking a beating.

Thanks for your consideration.
The Ears
Dear Steve,

Thanks for the glasses. Sorry I keep fucking you up, but I'm still not used to them.

The Eyes

As usual, I have nothing to report.

The Pancreas

It has come to my attention that snowboarding season is beginning. I am very aware that this is a sport that you, for some mysterious reason, feel the need to partake of, despite your lack of skill. I strongly urge you to reconsider any involvement with this activity and I feel compelled to issue the very serious warning that should you decide to return to the mountains, I WILL go on strike again. Remember the stairs, Steve?

The Left Knee

What he said.

The Right Knee

Rest assured, my loyal body parts. Your concerns have not fallen on deaf ears. They will all be taken into advisement and pondered.

Except yours, Knees. I'm going boarding as soon as possible, so EAT IT.


( 18 comments — Leave a comment )
Jan. 28th, 2003 02:14 am (UTC)
Awesome, awesome post!
Jan. 28th, 2003 06:35 am (UTC)
This is hysterical, I had to friend you in defense so aimgrrrl would stop send me your posts in cut form! I am really not a stalker. Reaally.
Jan. 28th, 2003 11:26 am (UTC)
I don't know. You look an awful lot like the girl that's been hanging out in the bushes at my apartments the last few nights. I'm watchin' you.
Jan. 28th, 2003 12:25 pm (UTC)
Rio *DOES* tend to skulk a lot, and she's incredibly shifty, but I can vouch that she works graveyard, because she is there when I get to work at 4:30 in the mornings. So your night stalker must be some other short girl. Maybe it's me. :-P

She is the other half of comedic morning program "The Rio and Amy Show." There are many adoring fans, and we have discussed taking it on the road. It's approximately 3 hours long on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Thursdays, and the occasional surprise performance on Tuesdays, Fridays or Saturdays.

It can be seen live, but it is an exclusive engagement, and can only be seen if you have a very special pass that designates you VIP. This pass looks suspiciously like a Starbucks Corporate cardkey.

The show is interrupted frequently by live callers, commonly called ASSCLOWNS, and occasionally by projectile candy launches from hecklers in other cubes. Flying skittles have been known to occur, as well as small bouncy blue balls.

Would this be an accurate assessment, Rio? Anything you'd like to add?
Jan. 28th, 2003 07:58 pm (UTC)
I'd like to add for my moral state of well being that those are Tim's balls flying around and I haven't touched any of them, you can tell because their blue.
Jan. 28th, 2003 10:03 am (UTC)
I have to agree with what Brain wrote. Had you seen The Jerk recently, your letters from your penis would've been signed "Regards, your special purpose."
Jan. 28th, 2003 11:31 am (UTC)
Ok... You win best comment of the day. You get back on AIM now.
Jan. 28th, 2003 02:56 pm (UTC)
patience, grasshopper. i am still perfecting my at-work secret ninja IM skills. you know, so the boss doesn't get annoyed that i'm goofing off.
Jan. 28th, 2003 03:05 pm (UTC)
Ah phooey. Hit me later, yo. I wanna axe you sumthin'.
Jan. 28th, 2003 10:05 am (UTC)
dear steve's hair,

i've grown to like you a whole lot since you were cut. keep up the great work, and whatever you do: please don't grow long again. short hair is hott.

Jan. 28th, 2003 10:12 am (UTC)
getting laid in Seattle
Steve...c'mon...Seattle is one of the EASIEST places to get laid. When you are feeling defeated just think , "Ryan somehow managed to get lots of Seattle girls in bed, so can I."
Jan. 28th, 2003 01:57 pm (UTC)
I'll be happy to oblige yr brain and entertain your liverwhen you COME TO SF NEXT WEEK.

Sorry, but the others are on their own.
Jan. 28th, 2003 02:35 pm (UTC)
by far the funniest damn post I have ever read. thanks!

vegas. just over two weeks away. party party party party.

When are you flying in BTW?
Jan. 28th, 2003 02:38 pm (UTC)
Thanks my man. I'm getting in on Friday afternoon around 4:30 I think....I'm starting to wish I was getting in earlier....

We gonna teeeear shit up.
Jan. 28th, 2003 05:32 pm (UTC)
I wish you were getting in earlier too. we are SO gonna rock. :)
Jan. 28th, 2003 06:57 pm (UTC)
Woohoo! Chels! Where you gonna be thursday around 10 - 11 pm???
Jan. 29th, 2003 09:49 am (UTC)
tell me where you're gonna be and I will be there too. EASY!

...how late are you all staying? I am dying to go to this hella expensive restaurant and staffie and his girl backed out on me so now I need some baackup. the reservation is at 5:30 on monday. let a sista know if you wanna spend some gambling winnings on some fat grub.
Jan. 29th, 2003 12:59 am (UTC)
holy shit..i don't think i have laughed that hard in a long time. I think I laugh because my body says the same things. especially the liver.
( 18 comments — Leave a comment )